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If we don’t do stupid things…what  would we laugh about when we are old

SINGLE GIRL LIST

I was challenged by Lifetitudes to write my single girl list and it occurred to me that I never really had a list. I just know if I like a guy or if I don’t. I have also been challenged by Toin on ’20 things about me’ but that has been a tad difficult cos you see, I am still trying to figure me out. Which is why I think my single girl list might also be jaga jaga. But here goes. I hope it doesn’t exceed 10, I like to think of myself as easy-to-please.

1. This is major, he must not have a B-O (body odour). I don’t want a biological terrorist for a husband.

2. He must not have mouth odour, I really don’t wanna die of poisoning.

3. He must be neat and clean, borderline OCD sef.

4.He must be willing to fast and pray, not minding that I eat and sleep.

5. For the sake of my social survival, his last name must not be Confidence, Good-thoughts, Condition, Idogbe or Adika.

6. He must be tall (at least taller than I am) and preferably lepa.

7. I’ll prefer if he is yellow paw paw. Yellow children are usually more loved ( so my sister says) hence naming gifts and birthday gifts will always be uncountable.

8. He must be rich. Please.

9. There must no pot belly now or in the nearest future. I will have and one is sufficient for the family. Meaning no alcohol (not just beers), not excessive feeding and must always work out.

10. He must clueless about cooking. I mean totally clueless, like get lost in the kitchen kinda clueless. And he must not like eating out. When he upsets me, I want to be able to vex and starve him successfully.

11. He must be a handsome devil who also happens to be blind to all women except me. And maybe his mom too sha.

12. He must be able to earn my respect daily. I am serious about the ‘daily’ part.

13. He must not poop when he farts, except he wants to be doing his laundry himself.

14. He must not be one of those ‘my wife must kneel down for me everyday, answer yes sir’ kinda men, I want to remain a sweet girl, not an angry soul.

15. He must be very generous. Generous monthly allowance, generous sex, generous with time too, I wanna age gracefully.

16. He must love God more than I do.

17. There must not have a tasteless history in his past, like his great grand mother confessed to emere-hood or witch-ry. I can’t shout.

18. He must totally love my idiosyncrasies.

Oh whoa, 18 already. Not bad, at least I don’t have 25. All these, except No. 16, might change by February 14 or when Captain America shows up, who knows. I find myself to be pretty flexible.

So, your turn Lifetitudes. And I’m challenging Toin too. Hit us ASAP.

I GOT FOUND

Hey beautiful people of the earth, glad you stopped by. FYI, I got hopelessly, miserably, unbelievable lost in a strange city. Not lost like mentally lost but actual, physical getting lost. Like, where on the surface of the earth am I, which direction is home and ‘I want my mommy!’ kinda lost.

See, here’s what happened. I went to the supermarket which is like 10 minutes’ walk from home. We all know how chilly the weather has been in recent times yeah, so I decided to take the bus home instead of walking. And I hopped into the first bus that came along. What are the chances that the bus won’t take me straight home right? I should have jejely respected myself and shown some respect for the rules of the city. So, the bus took me on a merry ride in a different direction. At first, I was like no ish, I’ll just use this opportunity to get to know the city, after all I am not rushing anywhere. The bus got to some place and turned, starting on another route. After about 15 minutes of riding, we got to a mall I recognized and I figured I should be able to find my way home from here and promptly jumped down from the bus. Waited like 5 minutes in the said chill for the next bus and as soon as it came I hopped on.

Now, this one decided to take me to some fancy residential area that I’m sure I wasn’t meant to visit on this entire trip. At that point, I stopped enjoying myself. Okay, what’s going on here? And as if the driver knew I was JJC, he decided to announce he had reached his last stop. Wait. What does that mean?? Seriously! I believe saying I got panicky here is quite justified. And that time, I knew a wandering spirit was in charge, not me. Residential areas usually don’t have lots of buses come and go so I was in for either a long trek or a long wait. So, I had no choice but to embark on both.

So, there I was trudging in the cold I was posing and saying ‘hell to the no, I ain’t walking in this’. This wasn’t supposed to happen, at least not today of all days that I feel so close to God. I had an amazing quiet time in the morning, I read my Bible a lot earlier and I have been singing nothing but gospel songs all day. If this had happened on one of those days I couldn’t stop humming Jason Derulo’s Trumpets, I would say it’s some higher power getting me. But not today of all days! Why would my loving Father let this happen to me?

After trudging for about 15 minutes, a bus came along and as usual, I hopped on. This took me further away again *sobs*. And when the driver got to the last stop, I swallowed my babe-ness *huge, huge lump* and went to ask the driver for help. And the help wasn’t coming for another 27 minutes. So I had to wait cutely in the cold. If there’s any way you can be cute in a chilly weather. The bus finally came and I raced for it like the hounds of hell were at my heels (PS: I was in a competition against myself). I had lost every ounce of chickness in me, I just wanted to get home so there’s no way I’m missing this bus. I almost knocked a gentleman over in my haste, the guy briskly and respectfully stepped outta my way. I got into the bus, found me a comfy seat, ensconced myself in it and proceeded to have a Father-daughter talk right away. I need to know the sin I committed to deserve this sufferhead. You know how everything a great Man does is never random?

Who remembers the story of the chick cracking the egg to get out of the shell? If you pity the chick as it struggles to get out and you decide to break the shell to help it out, you have succeeded in killing that chick. Struggling to get out of that shell is what enables it acquire the strength to survive the world. That’s the story God reminded me of that day.

That you are a good person doesn’t mean bad things can’t happen to you. That God loves us to death doesn’t mean life won’t happen to us. Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to really amazing people. And when God allows it, it’s so that we can receive strength to live this earth and not die with it. That’s how we get strengthened, that’s how our faith gets built. That’s how we can say we won, we made it. That’s how God designed it to be. It doesn’t mean He stopped loving us for that period. It’s just the way it is supposed to be. We don’t know what tomorrow holds but He that holds tomorrow is saying ‘trust Me, I have a plan’.

No matter what life might be hurling at you, calm down and chin up, God is in the boat with you, holding your hand through it all.

WAVE IT LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT

Source-Photos.com

Had a good time at church today except for the having to wave a lot. Which is normally expected in church yeah? You will have to wave at least 25 times depending on how far your imagination takes you outside the building. If you are like my 2 year old niece with the attention span of 3 seconds, you probably won’t need to wave much and next thing you know, the service is over.

Before I stray too far off topic, while I was there feeling very mutinous over the need to wave every 5 minutes, after all I waved a lot during praise and worship. I mean what is the big deal about flailing our arms in church anyway? It should be good enough that we sing and dance hard, no?

The more I read Exodus – Leviticus, seeing how detailed God was about the structures, measurements, standards of living, cleanliness etc, I realize all the more that God doesn’t joke around about the way He wants His children to relate with Him. And that also include waving. God specifically asked for a wave offerings (Ex 29:24, Lev 23:10-11).

Wave offerings are a special class of offerings. They are to re-affirm our commitment and show our servitude. Like we completely trust that He can handle all our heartaches and headaches. And God just wants us to not only have faith in Him but show that we trust Him absolutely. Even when it seems like we are life’s target for troubles. And there is a difference between faith and trust. Faith says we hope God will do it. Trust says we know, we are absolutely convinced, we are not entertaining any doubts that God will do it, even of the prevailing facts prove otherwise. We still dig our heels in and maintain the fact that He will do it.

And the truth is, if we completely show and prove our trust, God can shock us every day for the rest of our lives, satisfying us with our deepest, mundane heart desires. So waving our arms to God in worship and praise isn’t just one of those things that are to be taken lightly, God wants it, loves it. It’s as important as our tithes and offering.

After all, if we don’t have arms to wave, God will remain God.

SEX FACTS ACCORDING TO GATLIN

This is me attempting to get informative and all. And this requires me going into my ‘deep’ mode. So here goes *assuming the Ghandi pose*

1. Researchers found out that men who help out around the house get 50% more sex than those who do not.

2. Sex can be earth-shattering, mind-blowing, don’t-want-it-to-end (etc) and it can also be bleh. In the category of a kiss tasting like sawdust.

3. You can’t get a man with sex no matter what romance novels tell you.

4. Sex outside marriage takes away from you. It’s quite simple.

5. For most men, sex is sex, not love. For most women, sex and love…eeerrrrmmmm, kinda the same thing.

6. Seven Viagra tabs are sold every second, studies show. Heads up for men who think they have all the time in the world *grimace*

7. Gymnophoria is the sensation that someone is mentally undressing you.

8. Women are the biggest fakers. Studies suggest, not me biko. And that’s not always a bad thing *wink*

9. Sex triggers brain chemicals that can improve creativity at work. So get it on the night before you have that promotion-worthy presentation.

10. Athletic women have better sexual performance. Hit the gym ladies.

11. An overwhelming majority of sexual partners have sparse knowledge of what truly turns each other on.

12. You can’t keep a man with sex.

13. People who smell good are automatically perceived as being more sexually attractive.

14. A man can reduce his chances of having prostate cancer by having at least 4 orgasms a week. Take care of your man.

15. God totally supports sex. When it’s within the confines of marriage. It isn’t just for procreation.

QUEEN ELSA ROUTE

Now that 2015 is here, I feel sorta relieved. Like new beginnings, a chance to do things over. But I keep having this niggling feeling of unresolved issues from 2014. I mean, a number of things happened that we didn’t get answers to till the end of the year right. For example

What really happened in that elevator? Was there a tarantula on Jay Z only Solange could see and kill? Was it an argument over who is hosting thanksgiving? Or was it just a case of pure ogbanje?

Where is this Malaysian airplane? It couldn’t have just poofed into thin air.

Is there anything we can do about the menace called autocorrect? If you have ever gotten into trouble thanks to autocorrect, holla!

So who (or what) really hacked Sony?

I noticed I wasn’t nominated all year for the ALS ice bucket challenge…I’m not angry, just gonna start a challenge of my own. Balance a champagne glass on your butt. There.

In order to cope with my issues with 2014, I have decided to take the Queen Elsa route. And for anyone that decides to bring up your 2014 mistakes, break into a high pitch soprano (as annoying as you can make it)

Cheers beautiful people, here is to an amazing 2015!